


BAM! POW! ZOWIE!

by AnonEhouse



Series: Battling Coronavirus (varied fandoms) [16]
Category: Batman (1966)
Genre: COVID-19, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Happy Ending, coronavirus treatment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23566897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Batman and Robin confront the Penguin and Catwoman outside a hospital!What UNHOLY MERGER is involved! CONTINUE READING past this SUMMARY for the EXCITING CONCLUSION!!
Series: Battling Coronavirus (varied fandoms) [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676572
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	BAM! POW! ZOWIE!

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"Holy tuxedos, Batman!" Robin cried out. "Do you see what I see?!"

"Yes, Robin! The Penguin must be behind this nefarious plot to..."

"To save lives?" a husky, sexy voice came from behind an ambulance, which, now that Batman had his attention drawn to it, had a pair of triangular ears set atop, and white whiskers protruding from a pink hood ornament shaped like a kitten's nose. The owner of the voice emerged, dressed all in a white leather catsuit, complete with tail, and wearing a white respirator with a matching pink kitten nose.

"Catwoman!!" Robin cried out, overusing exclamation points in his enthusiasm. He slammed the knuckles of his right hand into the palm of the other. "She must be in cahoots with the Penguin!! Let's take them, Batman!"

"Not so fast, my eager friend," Batman said, holding his hand out. "Remember the Social Distancing order!"

Robin pouted. "I know! That's why I had to ride in a sidecar attached to the Batmobile! I still have bugs in my teeth!"

"We must all make these small sacrifices for the public good during this time of crisis, Robin," Batman said, seriously.

Robin hung his head in shame for a moment and then jerked up and bounced on his heels. "Yes! But Batman! Look! The Penguin is here, too!"

"Waak waak waaak," the Penguin said as he emerged from the hospital emergency room lobby. He was dressed entirely in Hazmat, in black and white, with his top hat carefully wrapped and placed on top. "My dear, where are the next... BATMAN!" The Penguin's monocle bearing eye widened. "What are you doing here?"

"We're here to stop your evil plans!" Robin shouted.

"What evil plan?" Catwoman said, slinking over to Penguin to pat him on his shoulder. "The next litter will be delayed, my minions are sick, too, you know. It's not easy to repurpose a penguin robot into a tuxedo cat respirator."

"Wak, wak, wak," Penguin replied, sympathetically. "I know, my poor Brolly has it, too. He's in intensive care." Penguin turned a glare on Batman. "We don't have time to fight with you, today."

Batman blinked behind his Batmask, which also doubled as a respirator. Robin had refused to wear one because he was counting on his youth to protect him, despite Batman's argument that even if he didn't feel sick, he could still pass on the disease. "Ah," Batman said. "So, this _isn't_ a nefarious plot?"

Robin coughed into his elbow.

Batman gave Robin a worried look.

"Cats have nine lives," Catwoman said. "Mostly because they're not foolish enough to take stupid risks!" She pointed at Robin, who flinched. "Also, their purr has healing properties."

"Ah," Batman said. "Yes, that is true. The cat's purr, vibrating within a range of 20 to 150 Hertz, is medically therapeutic."

"Purrsisely!" Catwoman said. "The purr can decrease the symptoms of dysponea in both cats and humans!"

"Holy kitten healers!" Robin exclaimed. "What's dysponea, Batman?"

"Difficulty in breathing, or in catching one's breath, Robin," Batman said automatically, without looking away from Catwoman. "But you cannot seriously be bringing cats into the hospital!"

"No, of courrrrse not," Catwoman said. "Felines can catch the novel coronavirus, too. These are robot cat-penguins."

"Wak!" the Penguin nodded. "They can purr, and they can act as ventilators. And they are self-cleaning!" He flung open the back of the cat-ambulance, and a series of robotic penguins with cute cat faces waddled out, going "PURRR wak, PURRR wak," and lined up to go into the hospital. A nurse in full hazmat gear held the door open for them. "You have your orders!" the Penguin shouted. "Go and HEAL, my little robotic pussyguins!"

"Well," Batman said. "This is awkward. Erm," he said, after a moment. "The Batcave has manufacturing facilities. You could make more robots, there."

"No, Batman!" Robin said, horrified. "You can't let them discover the Batcave's location."

"As if we didn't already know," Catwoman said. "Bruce, darling, you haven't told Dick about us?"

"Ah," Batman said. "I was going to." 

"WHEN?" Robin asked, over dramatically. "When I'm out of short pants! As if THAT'S ever going to happen!!" Robin scowled. "I'm going to go wait in the Bat Sidecar." He called back over his shoulder. "Even if you marry her, I'm NOT calling her MOM."

"It's not as if you ever called me DAD," Batman grumbled. 

The Penguin clapped his hands together and twirled his umbrella, smirking at Batman.

Catwoman grinned at him. He could see the wrinkle in her mask.

Batman sighed. "Follow me. To the Bat-cave!" he said and couldn't resist swirling his cape dramatically as he turned to go back to his vehicle.

"What do you see in him?" the Penguin asked.

Catwoman laughed. "He makes me purr."

**Author's Note:**

> Cat-Penguins!  
> https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/The-Internet-has-transformed-felines-and-birds-into-hybrid-animals-59b9d57eef555__700.jpg
> 
> While cats and a few other species (ferrets, pigs, chickens, ducks, and rarely dogs) can get it, so far there's no evidence that people can get it from their pets- considering the number of human cases, and how many of us have kitties, I think it unlikely that domestic animals can pass it on, even if they get it.  
> https://www.popsci.com/story/health/cats-dogs-pets-coronavirus/
> 
> https://www.dailyinfographic.com/the-healing-power-of-cat-purrs-infographic
> 
> Also Note:  
> The purr healing was inspired by the 404 link** in the tag at the end of chapter 8 of 
> 
> Cherish the Living (a truly excellent Stucky apocalyptic, zombie, amnesiac WIP.) I heartily recommend it. (And secretly think the cats are flerkens, although the authors have neither confirmed nor denied it.)
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/23178868
> 
> **hopefully it will be fixed by the time you read this-- anyway it should have gone to something like the infographic I found.


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